


Grief Isn't Logical

by NaeAnBelle



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Comfort, F/M, Family, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-12 01:13:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10478742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaeAnBelle/pseuds/NaeAnBelle
Summary: Dealing with a family member dying as Spencer is there to be with you. Spencer being a good and sweet partner. Basically therapeutic writing.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I'm just going through some personal stuff right now and I've found writing to be really therapeutic lately. I also have a lot of ideas for little oneshots as well as continuing my main fic, 'Being There'. However, if you have any other requests, I'd love to give them a shot so leave them in the comments! Thank you for reading <3

My aunt was dying. She had been diagnosed with a late stage cancer almost a year ago, and had held on for longer than any doctor had expected, but now her time was approaching. She and I had grown closer than ever in recent years, and this news felt like a heavy punch to my gut. Spencer had been there for me through those stages of fear and worry, had held me when I cried after the call from my mom giving me the first diagnosis. Throughout the months, he had held my hand and quietly listened whenever I received news of her progression, feeling like I had to report it to someone else near me for it to feel real. And when I told him the latest news, that it looked like her time was shortening rapidly, my face felt numb and constricted until he wrapped me in his arms, kissed my hair, and murmured, 

“I’m so sorry, Y/N.”

Then I felt the sobs bubble up and wrack through my chest, tearing out of my throat. It was a violent cry, my whole body shook and I let my wails reach full volume. I mourned openly in front of him. And Spencer took it all in, didn’t shy away from me or tell me to stop, just held me and stroked my hair, rocking us back and forth where we stood in his apartment. It was a cheerfully sunny day; I watched the dust particles float in the sunbeams from his windows and felt angry that the world looked so bright. A needless and painful death was happening to someone good, the world shouldn’t look so goddamn happy about it. 

After the angry sobs ran out I fell into quiet weeping, and gradually reduced into soft hiccups as tears silently slid down my face. A few minutes passed in silence, and I felt a strange sort of shame start to burn in my stomach. Spencer had had to witness so much pain and death in his time at the BAU, including the deeply personal and sudden loss of losing his girlfriend before they had even really gotten to be together. I felt… oddly guilty for my show of emotion. Like I should be able to pack all this away and hide it, deal with it silently. At this thought I pushed a bit out of his arms and muttered, 

“I’m sorry, you shouldn’t… you shouldn’t have to deal with this.” 

I could feel his eyes grow sharp on my face at this statement but avoided eye contact, embarrassed because I looked a mess and because I couldn’t communicate the way I needed to in this moment. But he took my tear-stained cheek in his hand and guided my face to meet his eye. 

“What could you possibly mean by that, Y/N? You’re hurting, a family member is dying. You’re feeling a lot right now, it’s okay to show it. I told you I would be here for you, didn’t I?” His thumb wiped my cheekbone. I met his gaze and saw confusion and worry. I was usually the emotionally intelligent one, able to get him to open up to me after years of bottling up his pain. But I realized some past damage was holding me back now. 

“I just… you’ve seen so much and been through so much, Spencer, I almost… I know it’s not logical, and maybe I’m just all jumbled and tired right now but… I almost feel… silly?” I cringed at the word; it wasn’t the correct one to frame how I was feeling. But I was exhausted and heavy with the weight of my aunt’s future on my mind, thinking of her grandchildren, how she wouldn’t get to see them grow older… and I felt my tears begin to well up again. 

Spencer led me to the couch, pulling me into his lap, my legs perpendicular to his and his arms wrapped around my waist. 

“Y/N,” he said softly, “what you’re going through, what you and your extended family have been going through over the past year is a very different experience to what I’ve faced in the FBI. I’ve seen death yes, but not so slowly and to a family member like this. It’s understandable that it’s so hard. I know you love your aunt and your family very much.” 

At this a choked sob escaped my throat, and he rubbed my back comfortingly.

“And it’s okay that you’re feeling it this much. I’m sad to see you sad but… it’s a sign of your capacity for love.” I looked at him and met his large brown eyes, watching me softly, “You have a bigger heart than anyone else I’ve ever known, Y/N. It’s something I’ve always admired about you. You have so much empathy and care for those around you. It’s a strength, not a weakness. Okay?” 

I nodded slightly, pressing my lips together. I was beginning to feel calm again, floating on a wave of exhaustion from my crying fits. I leaned my head against his shoulder and he held me close. After a few minutes I murmured an apology, which he gently shushed away, reassuring me again. 

“Is there anything else I can do?” he asked quietly. I nodded. 

“I’m going to try to catch a flight out tomorrow. I want to… see her one more time. Will you help me find a cheap ticket online tonight? I think I’ll be too tired to sort it all out myself.”

He kissed the top of my head, his voice gentle, “Would you want me to fly out with you?” 

I paused, thinking, then leaned away to look at him. 

“What about the BAU?” 

He shook his head, “I have vacation days, and we’re not always on an active case. We’ve just started going through a new round of paperwork, they can be without me in the field for a bit.”

My eyes felt large and heavy as I gazed at him, considering. We had been together for almost two years, but I rarely saw my family since they still lived out west where I grew up so they hadn’t met him yet. My family might think it strange for me to bring a partner they hadn’t met before, but they were pretty welcoming people and honestly, in that moment, Spencer felt like a big part of my family in my heart. So I nodded, and kissed him softly. 

“Yes, if it’s not too much to ask. Thank you.”

… 

That night in bed, curled together under the covers, I stroked Spencer’s face as he started to slip into sleep. I brushed the curls from his forehead, ran my finger gently across his eyebrow and down his nose, caressing the deep shadows under his eyes; he smiled with eyes closed and I brought my fingers to his lips to feel that pink grin. 

“Hey,” I whispered, “... you’re family to me now.” 

His brown lashes fluttered open and he gazed at me for a moment as his grin grew softer. Spencer took my head in his large hands and cradled it tenderly to his chest, tucked under his chin. 

“You’re my family too, Y/N.” 

I fell asleep in his warmth listening to his beating heart, hoping I had a lot of life left to spend with this man.


End file.
